Outrageous Animals Jokes

Q: What has a black cape, crawls through the night and bites people?
A: A tired mosquito wearing a black cape.

Q: What do you get if you cross a hedgehog with a giraffe?
A: A ten-foot long toothbrush.

Q: What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
A: An animal that carries nuts in its pocket.

Q: Why was the crab arrested?
A: It was always pinching things.

Q: Did the geese get hurt when they crashed into each other?
A: No, they just had a few goose bumps.

Q: What do you call a bald rabbit?
A: Hareless.

JIM: "I've just been hunting. I caught five rabbits and a potfer."
BOB: " What's a potfer?"
JIM: " To cook the rabbits in"

Q: What is black and white and noisy?
A: A zebra with a set of drums.

Q: How do you stop a skunk from smelling?
A: Hold it's nose.

Q: What do you call ten angry dolphins?
A: Cross porpoises.

Q: What did the beaver say to the tree?
A: It's been nice gnawing you.

Q: What is white, furry and smells of peppermint?
A: A polo bear.

Q: How did the chimpanze escape from it's cage?
A: With a monkey wrench.

Q: Why is a cat longer at night than in the morning?
A: Because he's let out at night and taken in again in the morning.

Q: If a quadruped has four legs and a biped has two legs, what is a zebra?
A: A stri-ped.

BOY: Do you sell dog's bones?
BUTCHER: Only if they're with an adult.

Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a camal?
A: Lumpy milkshakes.

Q: Which animal talks a lot?
A: A yak.

Q: Which animal talks the most?
A: A yakety-yak.

Q: Did you hear about the lion with pedestrian eyes?
A: They look both ways before they cross.

Q: Which animals use nut-crackers?
A: Toothless squirrels.

Q: Why did the cook refuse to fight?
A: Because he was chicken.

Q: What do you get if you cross a crab with a maths teacher?
A: Snappy answers.

Q: What do sheep wear when they go to school?
A: Ewe-niforms.

Q: Why shouldn't you cry when a cow trips over?
A: It's no good crying over spilt milk.

CUSTOMER: Have you any wild duck?
WAITER: No, but we have a tame one we can irritate for you.

MUM: "Have you put the cat out?"
BOY: "Yes, I just trod on it's tail."

Q: What do you call a bee born in May?
A: A maybe.

Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he went off on a long journey?
A: "Bison!"

Q:What has four legs and flies?
A: A dead elephant.

Q: What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas?
A: Cross mouse cards.

Q: Which mouse was a Roman emperor?
A: Julius Cheeser.

Hckory dickory dock
The mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
And the rest got away with minor injuries.

Q: What is grey and hairy and lives on a man's face?
A: A moustache.

Q: What do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster?
A: Sir.

Q: How do mice celebrate when they move house?
A: With a mouse-warming party.

Q: What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
A: Hard cheese.

Q: Why did the mouse eat a candle?
A: For light refreshment.

Q: What is a mouse's favourite game?
A: Hide and squeak.

Q: What goes "dot, dot, dash, squeak"?
A: Mouse code.

Q: What do you get if you cross a mouse with a packet of soap powder?
A: Bubble and Squeak.

Q: Who has large antlers, has a high voice and wears white gloves?
A: Mickey Moose.

Q: Why do mice need oiling?
A: Because they squeak.

Q: What is a mouse's favourite record?
A: Please cheese me.

Q: Wha's a rat's least favourite record?
A: What's up, Pussycat.
Q: How do you save a drowning rodent?
A: Use mouse to mouse resuscitation.

Q: What kind of musical instrument do rats play?
A: Mouse organ.

Q: How can you tell the difference between a rabbit and a red - eyed monster?
A: Just try getting a red - eyed monster into a rabbit hutch.

Q: Why was the abominable Snowman's dog called Frost?
A: Because Frost bites.

Q: What has six legs and flies?
A: A witch giving her cat a lift.

Q: Why are black cats such good singers?
A: They're very mewsical.

Q: When is it unlucky to see a black cat?
A: When you're a mouse.

Q: What do you call it when a witch's cat falls off her broomstick?
A: A catastrophe.

Q: What do you get if you cross a witch's cat with Father Christmas?
A: Santa Claws.

Q: How do you get milk from a witch' s cat?
A: Steal her saucer.

Q: What do cats like for breakfast?
A: Mice krispies.

Q: What is an octopus?
A: An eight - sided cat.

Q: Why do black cats never shave?
A: Because eight out of ten cats prefer Whiskas.

Q: What did the black cat say to the fish head?
A: I've got a bone to pick with you.

Q: What do you get if you cross a jellyfish with a sheepdog?
A: Colliewobbles.


Q: What do you call a cat who never comes when she's called?
A: Im-pussy-ble.

Q: Now you see it… now you don't - what are you looking?
A: A black cat walking over a zebra crossing.

Q: What has four legs, a tail, whiskers and cuts grass?
A: A lawn miaower.

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat and a duck?
A: A duck-filled fatty puss.

Q: What do you call a witch's cat who can spring from the ground to her mistress's hat in one leap?
A: A good jum-purr.

Q: Why did the skeleton run up a tree?
A: Because a dog was after its bones.

Q: What did Dr Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?
A: I don't know, but it's great at chasing submarines.

Q: What do witches' cat strive for?
A: Purr-fection.

Q: What do you call a witch's cat who can do spells as well as her mistress?
A: An ex-purr-t.

FIRST CAT: Where do fleas go in winter?
SECOND CAT: Search me!

There once was a very strong cat,
Who had a fight with a bat.
The bat flew away,
And at the end of the day,
The cat had a scrap with a rat.

MOTHER: Keep that dog out of the house, it's full of fleas.
SON: Keep out of the house, Fido, it's full of fleas.

WIZARD: Have you put the cat out?
WITCH: Why ? Was he burning?

Q: Why is a frog luckier than a cat?
A: Because a frog croaks all the time - a cat only croaks nine times.

EMMA: What's the name of your dog?
NICK: Ginger.
EMMA: Does Ginger bite?
NICK: No, but Ginger snaps.

Q: What did the clean dog say to the insect?
A: Long time no flea!

Q: What's the difference between fleas and dogs?
A: Dogs can have fleas, but fleas can't have dogs.

Q: What's the difference between a flea-bitten dog and a bored visitor?
A: One's going to itch. The other's itching to go.

"Leave me alone, just let me live one of my own lives," said the young cat to its parents.

Q: Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps?
A: Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.

A wizard went to the doctor one day complaining of headaches:
" It's because I live in the same room as two of my brothers," he said. " One of them has six goats and the other has four pigs and they all live in the room with us. The smell is terrible."
"Well couldn't you just open the windows?" asked the doctor.
"Certainly not," he replied, "my bats would fly out."

Q: What happened to the skeleton that was attacked by a dog?
A: It ran off with some bones and left him without a leg to stand on.

Q: What did one black cat say to the other?
A: Nothing. Cats can't speak.

Q: What did the black cat do when its tail was cut off?
A: It went to a re-tail store.

It's obvious that animals are smarter than humans. Put eight horses in a race and 20,000 people will go along to see it. But put eight people in a race and not one horse will bother to go along and watch.

JIM: Our dog is just like one of the family.
FRED: Which one?

There was once a puppy called May who loved to pick quarrels with animals who were bigger than she was. One day she argued with a lion. The next day was the first of June.
Why?
Because that was the end of May!
Q: What kind of cats love water?
A: Octopusses.

My dog saw a sign that said "Wet Paint"
- so he did!

MAN: My dog is a nuisance. He chases everyone on a bicycle. What can I do?
VET: Take his bike away.

A man went into the local department store where he saw a sign on the escalator- 
"Dogs must be carried on this escalator". 
The man then spent the next two hours looking for a dog.

Q: What's a twip?
A: What a wabbit calls a twain wide!

"I'm sorry to call you out at this time of night," said the witch, "but it's my poor black cat. He's just lying there telling me he wants to die."
The monster vet licked his lips. "Well, you've done the right thing by sending for me…"

A motorist approached the headmaster one afternoon and said, "I'm awfully sorry, but I think I've jst run over the school cat. Cn I replace it?" 
The Headmaster looked him up and down and replied, " I doubt if you'd be the mouser she was."

Q: What happened when the cat swallowed a penny?
A: There was oney in the kitty.

Q: What do ghosts like about riding horses?
A: Ghoulloping.

Q: Did you hear about the witch who fed her pet vulture on sawdust?
A: The vulture laid ten eggs and when they hatched, nine chicks had wooden legs and the tenth was a woodpecker.

Q: What fish do dogs chase?
A: Catfish.

Q: What pet makes the loudest noise?
A: A trum-pet.

Q: What dog smells of onions?
A: A hot dog.



DAVE: My dog plays chess. 
JOHNNY: Your dog plays chess? He must be really clever!
DAVE: Oh, I don't know. I usually beat him three times out of four.

MEL: So you are distantly related to the family next door, are you? 
RACHEL: Yes - their dog is our dog's brother.

BILL: This loaf is nice and warm!
FRED: It should be - the cat's been sitting on it all day!

CHRIS: Would you like to play with our new dog?
KENNY: He looks very fierce. Does he bite?
CHRIS: That's what I want to find out.

MARK: What's your new dog's name?
PHILL: Dunno - he won't tell me.

Sign in shop window: FOR SALE Pedigree bulldog. House trained. Eats anything. Very fond of children.

A man who bought a dog took it back, complaining that it made a mess all over the house.
"I thought you said it was house-trained," he moaned. 
"So it is" said the previous owner. "It won't go anywhere else"

Good news! I've been given a goldfish for my birthday. Bad news! I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!

Did you hear about the man who took his dog to the cinema? During a break in the film, the woman sitting in front turned round and said:
"I'm surprised that an animal like that should appreciate a film like this."
"So am I," said the man. "He hated the book."

"Why are you crying, little boy?"
"Cos we've just had to have our dog put down!" sobbed the lad.
"Was he mad?" asked th old lady.
"Well, he wasn't too happy about it."

Q: If your cat ate an unripe goose-berry, what would it become? 
A: A sourpuss.

Q: What's white and fluffy, has whiskers and floats?
A: A cata-meringue.

Q: What is Dracula's favourite pet?
A: A Bloodhound.
BOY: Mum, can I have a puppy for Christmas?
MUM: No, you'll have a turkey like everyone else.

MAN: Can I have a canary for my wife please?
PET SHOP OWNER: I'm sorry, sir, we don't do swaps.

Q: What do you do with sick canaries?
A: Give them tweetment.

TOM: I am going to keep this gorilla under my bed.
CRAIG: What about the smell?
TOM: He'll just have to get used to it.

BOY 1: I've been told I have the face of a saint.
BOY 2: Yes, a Saint Bernard.

HENRY: I'd like a pet that I can cuddle.
HENRIETTA: I'll buy you a piranha fish.

Your beard looks as if it goes to the same vet as my dog.