School Jokes
TEACHER: Why are you chewing gum in my lesson?
PUPIL: The shop had run out of toffees.

BOY: I didn't like the shepherd' pie.
DINNER LADY: I'll have you know I've been making shepherd's pies since before you were born.
BOY: Yeah, and I think that was one of them.

Q: What do you call an art teacher who always complains?
A: Mona Lisa.

GIRL: My sister and I know every word in the English dictionary.
TEACHER: What somnambulism mean?
GIRL: That's one of the words my sister knows.

MOTHER: Sit down and tell me what your school report is like.
SON: I can't sit down. I just told Dad what my school report is like.

TEACHER: How do we know that carrots are good for eyesight?
PUPIL: Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.

Q: Why is 1+1=3 like your left foot?
A: Because it's not right.

FATHER: What position do you play in football?
SON: Teacher says I'm the drawback.

Q: What do you get if you cross a teacher with a monk who has rolled in the mud?
A: A teacher with a dirty habit.

TEACHER: Neville, you always get everything wrong. I can't see how you're going to get a job when you leave school.
NEVILLE: Easily! I'm going to be a weather forecaster.

MRS A: What's your son going to be when he leaves school?
MRS B: About forty-five the rate he's going.

Q: What happens to a pupil who misses the school bus every day?
A: He catches it when he gets to school.

Q: What's the difference between a pupil that talks a lot in class and a book?
A: You can shut the book up.

MOTHER: I think Monica should have an encyclopedia.
FATHER: Let her walk to school like everybody else.

MOTHER: How was your cookery lesson?
DAUGHTER: Awful. I was sent out of the class because I burnt something.
MOTHER: That wasn't very fair. What did you burn?
DAUGHTER: The classroom.

TEACHER: Find America on the map for me, Nigel.
NIGEL: It's here, Miss.
TEACHER: Good. Now, Timothy, tell me who discovered America?
TIMOTHY: Nigel did.

FATHER: Did you get the highest marks in your class today?
SON: No, Dad, do you get the highest salary in your office?

BRIAN: My parents are sending me to boarding school.
FELICITY: Why's that?
BRIAN: So that they won't have to help me with my homework.

PUPIL: Are slugs nice to eat, Miss?
TEACHER: Don't talk about such disgusting things at the dinner table. Get on with your meal and keep quiet.
(After lunch)
TEACHER: Now, what was all that nonsense about slugs?
PUPIL: Oh, it doesn't matter now, Miss. It's just that there was one in your salad, but it's gone now.

TEACHER: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
PUPIL: At the bottom,sir.

TEACHER: Did you write this poem all by yourself?
PUPIL: Yes, Miss.
TEACHER: Every single word of it?
PUPIL: Yes, Miss.
TEACHER: Then I'm delighted to meet you, Emily Bronte.

TEACHER: Did your father help you with your arithmetic?
BRIAN: No, Miss, I got it wrong all by myself.

Teacher: Recite your tables to me, Joan.
Joan: Dining-room table, kitchen table, bedside table…

Teacher: Why are you late for school, Billy?
Billy: My Dad brought me in the car.
Teacher: Was the traffic Bad?
Bill: No, my dad can't drive.

Boy: Miss, Johnny Keeps looking at my answers!
Teacher: Don't worry, he won't find anything.